


Depressed and Feral

by SolshineInADarkNight



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Like, Major Character Death but also sort of not, Major Depression, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Post Desperada, Self Loathing, This is Bad, graphic violence doesn't happen until next chapter, major anxiety, real bad, self depricating, someone give this boy a hug!, that happens next chapter, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-20 17:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21285296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolshineInADarkNight/pseuds/SolshineInADarkNight
Summary: In which Adrien deals with the aftermath of Desperada and the nightmares, triggers, panic attacks, PTSD and the fear of snakes/snake miraculous.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 16
Kudos: 103





	1. After the Fact

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sadwinistic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sadwinistic/gifts).

> TRIGGER WARNING! This fic has a lot of self loathing and deprecation, as well as some major depression and anxiety. Proceed with caution. 
> 
> beta-d by Sadwinistic (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sadwinistic)
> 
> I gift this to you, Sadwinistic, for being on of my first Beta readers!

A trumpet sounds, and a bloom of gold dust erupts from his right. It sends Adrien into a panic, and he tries to pull Ladybug back. But, before he can pull her far enough, another trumpet sounds and she turns into a cloud of that wretched gold dust. 

He almost breaks down on the spot, then and there, but he pulls himself together enough to pull back the snake head. A hiss sounds through his ears, and then he’s in the sewer again, looking into Ladybug’s eyes. 

“We now have five minutes, within this time range, you can go back as many times as you want. But as-“ 

He envelopes her in a bone crushing hug, one he’s found himself doing multiple times already. A thousand times already. 15,462 times already. 15,462 times he’s had to witness her being captured. 15,462 times he’s seen his own failure. 15,462 times he’s failed her. Suddenly, the man hole cover opens, and a trumpet sounds, and Ladybug is enveloped in a gold plume of dust. 

* * *

Adrien wakes up with a bloodcurdling scream, covered in a cold sweat. He looks over to Plagg, and all that comes to mind is: “Perfect team huh?” Those mocking, sad eyes are looking at him with pity. He can’t handle it. Not now. 

So, with a shiver, he turns around to look at his phone. Hoping that he got more than 30 minutes of sleep. 01:01 it reads, and he sighs in frustration and despair. Frustration because he can’t get enough sleep, despite being constantly tired. Despair because it hadn’t even been a minute after he fell asleep and he already had a night terror. 

Shaking, he tries to pull off his covers and sheets to get to the shower to wash the sweat off, but the sheets cling to his feet and legs. 

After a minute of struggling, he finally rips them off and slides to the ground on unsteady feet. 

Slowly, he makes his way over to the bathroom, dutifully ignoring whatever look Plagg is sending him. Whether it be pain, pity, or sadness. He can’t look at those green eyes again. Not for a long while.

Even if the events of Desperada happened two and a half months ago.

Just the name alone sends a severe shake down his spine. He turns the water on hot and strips his clothing before slipping under the warm streams of water. He lets the water wash away his thoughts. Clear his mind of anything and everything. 

Normally he would go out as Chat Noir to ease his mind. But... ever since Party Crasher... 

He couldn’t even save her then... how can he save her from anything else...? 

Another shiver racks his body, and he reaches a hand out to the wall to steady himself. 

His eyes burn, but it’s become a normal sensation. 

People say he’s just Ladybug’s sidekick, just a permanent temporary miraculous wielder that isn’t important. They’re right, after all. He only holds her back... creates problems. He can destroy anything he touches, it makes sense that he would destroy any relationship he has with anyone. His arm buckles with another shake, and he slams into the porcelain tiles. But, he can’t find it in himself to care. 

His whole power set is based off of destruction and bad luck. It makes sense that all he can ever do is hurt people. 

Suddenly, something flicks his left wrist, and Adrien startles badly. Everything is tuned out, and panic dominates. When feeling returns, he realizes that it was his own hand that flicked his wrist. Muscle memory gained after the multiple months of flicking the miraculous. His hand flicks his wrist again, and all Adrien can do is watch it, memories of the 25,913 times he failed flying through his memory. 

After a few minutes, Adrien slowly looks up, registering the weird presence in the air. 

Plagg is looking at him, those bright green eyes staring at him in pity. “Perfect team, huh?” 

A sob escapes from his chapped lips, as his arms wrap around his body, curling up into a ball. 

He failed. He failed her so many times. Then, Luka gets it after only a few attempts... 

He isn’t suited to be a hero. To be _Chat Noir_. He’s supposed to be Ladybug’s partner, her protection. And he wasn’t able to do that. 

He can’t even look at Luka, his blue tinted hair triggering it all to come back... 

He can barely look at Plagg... 

He almost can’t work with Ladybug, all the terror and memories come rushing back every time. He can’t look into those eyes that he’s confessed to. Those wonderfully supporting eyes. The eyes of the girl he's kissed so many times. The eyes that don't remember, _can't _remember. The eyes of the one person he was supposed to keep safe at all costs. The person he’s watched die 25, 914 times. 

Slowly, he brings a shaking hand up to level with his eyes. The Black Cat Miraculous. A now white ring. The miraculous that got him here. The miraculous he wore while Aspik. The duty he ignored. 

He reaches another hand to the ring, and rests unsteady fingers on the ring. He doesn’t deserve this miraculous. Slowly, he brings his gaze up from his hands and locks his gaze with Plagg. The second being he failed 25,913 times. Plagg’s eyes are wide, the usually slanted pupils are almost as wide. His mouth is slightly hanging open in shock. Adrien can’t handle it. He slides to the ground, falling into his side and curls up into the fetal position, whimpering shallowly, his hands at his chest; the miraculous still in between two fingers. 

* * *

They’re at the zoo, spilling out of the bus. It’s a school trip everyone has been looking forward to for months. And Adrien can’t help but dread it. All he can think is:_ 'Please no snakes, please no snakes, please no snakes.'_ And, of course, because of his pent up bad luck, the snake exhibit is the first one they go to. 

As they’re going, he finds his fingers sliding on his wrist, trying to find the snake head to pull back. No matter how hard he fights it, he can’t stop it. He’s come to just ignore it. To ignore the confused looks from Nino. The indecipherable looks from Marinette. He can’t even find it in himself to care that his right ring finger feels naked. Useless. Or the way the Black Cat Miraculous seems to burn a hole in his shirt pocket. 

Every step they take toward the exhibit, his heart rate speeds up until he’s likely to pass out. Until he’s sweating. Until he’s absolutely _sure _that everyone in a five mile radius can hear it. They reach the exhibit, and his heart stops for a split second, making his vision black and his body go completely numb. 

_'No, no no no, nonononononononononono!'_ Nino bumps his arm, and Adrien flinches severely, jumping back with a cry, arms raised defensively, his right hand flicking his left wrist. 

Suddenly, everyone is looking at him. Their judging stares go right to his soul, dousing his entire being in ice. 

After a few seconds, everyone turns around. Though, Nino, and Marinette keep looking back in concern. Chloé in confusion, Alya with curiosity. His flicking picks up in speed. As they’re walking through, Adrien stays in the middle of the hallway, as far away from the snakes. From the memories. When everyone gets bored, because what teenager doesn’t eventually get bored from looking at snakes for more than 30 minutes, he breathes a small sigh of relief. They’re done with it. He doesn’t have to be around the creatures again. 

Then, a zookeeper rounds the corner, a smile on their face. They look at all the teenagers, and their eyes twinkle.

He knows a look like that... it’s one the Ladybug has all the time. 

It’s the look of a plan forming. “Do you want to hold a snake?” His cry of “No!” Is drowned out by the entire class shouting “Yes!” The scientist looks at each of them, but when his eyes fall on Adrien, his smile falters for a second, but determination quickly sets in. 

Every one starts walking, and as Kim passes, he bumps his arm, whispering: “C’mon, they’re just snakes!” 

The thought of seeing one, holding one, sends his heart-rate to the max, and he starts to shake uncontrollably. But, no one notices, as he in now in the back. Well, no one but the scientist. He looks at him, smiles reassuringly, then grabs his hand and pulls him toward the Open Field Enclosure.

And despite his brain not sending any signals to his feet to move, the guy drags him over to the snakes. 

He has yet to see his shaking. 

His mind is blank. Numb. Nothing is being sent, and nothing is being received.

In what seems like the blink of an eye, they’re at the Open Field Enclosure. And the guy is picking up a snake. A large,_ blue snake with yellow eyes. _

Immediately, he goes numb, he’s suddenly nowhere, and nothing is being registered. Not until the guy wraps the snake around his neck and a whimper escapes his throat.

It moves against his neck, its scales sliding and expanding and constricting. It’s tongue flicks out. Then, it starts moving, down his left shoulder... A cross between a whimper and a sob is released. Then, when it’s head reaches his wrist, and the snakes tongue flicks out, touching his flicking fingers, a scream is released and then everything goes black. When he wakes up, he’s on an uncomfortable bed, in a white room. 

Slowly, he sits up and paper wrinkles and crinkles under his weight. He looks around, and finds himself surrounded by pictures of animals. Beside the bed is a tray, with apples, crackers, cheese, and water on it. Where... is he in a veterinarian’s surgery room? How...? Did, did someone bring him here? He... he was at the sna- 

Suddenly, the feeling of slithering scales sliding down his arm sends him into a panic attack. Shaking uncontrollably, unable to breathe. 

* * *

When Adrien has eaten all that he could stomach, he walks out of the room to try and find the school group. 

What he finds instead is a pile of multi colored snakes. The panic rises again, and he flails to get behind a door before any of them notice him. That is not the case, as apparently, he had released a loud sob. Now, on the other side of the door he has barricaded, there are a dozen snakes trying to get him. 

Slowly, shakily, he slides down to the floor, sobs raking his body, breath coming is short bursts. Then, a hand touches his shoulder. And, it’s a weight he has come to know without a doubt. 

It’s Ladybug’s hand, and his sobs only increase in intensity. After only a second's hesitation Ladybug wraps her arms around his shoulders and pulls him into her shoulder. They sit there in silence as Adrien’s nerves calm down. Hesitantly, he looks up and into her eyes. She smiles and holds up a box. A black, ornate box. The sight sends his pulse into overdrive again, and he flinches. Ladybug immediately pulls back, an unreadable emotion in her eyes. 

Quickly, she puts the box back into her yo-yo and pulls him into a hug again, whispering "I'm sorry, that you had to go through that whole thing and that you're still dealing with the consequences." She pulls back and gives him a warm smile, then leaves. After a few minutes of trying to regain his bearings, he realizes that if Ladybug was transformed, there was an akuma. And if there was an akuma that means that Ladybug need- would like to have Chat Noir there. And, if she had a miraculous box, that means that she got tired of waiting for Chat, and had to leave the akuma to go find a wielder. 

Shakily, he brings the ring out of his shirt pocket, and holds it before his eyes. The green paw print seems to mock him. Daring him to put it on. To join Ladybug, the superhero and be “The Perfect Team.” He almost drops the ring. But, slides it on. With a small flash of green, the ring turns white and forms around his finger. And Plagg appears before him. His mouth open to say something, but Adrien doesn’t give him the time as he whippers the phrase he used to say with such pride. 

The suit feels foreign. The energy and strength unwanted. The baton clunky. The tail distracting. The bell, it’s as if it weighs 50 pounds. He- he shouldn’t be wearing this. He should find someone who is can protect her better. Maybe a police officer? Just as he’s about to grab the ring, his baton lets out a ring, startling him so bad that he almost calls upon Cataclysm. He waits until it goes silent to calm down and take his baton out. The second he slides the baton open to listen to what Ladybug had to say, it rings again, and he almost drops it then and there. A shriek escaping his throat. He doesn’t want to answer. But, Ladybug can pull up the map and look at where he is. He knows she knows he’s transformed because if he wasn’t, the call wouldn’t go through. So, reluctantly, he answers. 

“Chat! There you are! Where have you been?! An akuma has been attacking for the past hour!” 

He opens his mouth, but before he can say anything she cuts him off. 

“You know what, never mind. Are you with the akuma?” 

He shakes his head. Not trusting his voice. He, she’s never really been this angry at him before... it... this is why he shouldn’t be wearing the ring. Why he shouldn’t be her par- sidekick. 

Ladybug huffs. “Ugh. Okay, it’s at the zoo, and is turning anyone they see into a snake.”

At that, an involuntary shiver runs down his spine and a whimper escapes his throat. 

Ladybug shoots him a confused look “Mayura’s stepped in. There’s a snake sentimonster. I need you to keep them distracted for a bit, I’m going to grab Viperion.” Then she hangs up. She needs a distraction. Always a distraction. He's always the distraction. Even when the other temps are in play. But, he supposes that's just one more thing he's good at when Chat Noir. Always distracting. Distracting the Akuma, sentimonster, the temps, Ladybug... himself.

For a second, Adrien slides back to the ground. _Snake _akuma. _Snake _sentimonster. **Viperion**.

He shouldn't have put on the suit. But, it’s to late now. He has to go fight them.


	2. Going Feral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Viperion uses his power to save Ladybug, and when Chat Noir sees how he’s moving, what he’s doing, his mind snaps. 
> 
> Hawkmoth learns not to underestimate the cat again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-d by Sadwinistic
> 
> This chapter contains graphic descriptions of violence.

When they lands on the roof of the veterinarian's office, Luka looks at the scene before him, he takes in the Snake akuma, their legs smooshed together to be tail-like; a fan of, supposedly, snake teeth on the end. their skin is smooth, their head bald and elongated, their arms freakishly skinny and long. The snake sentimonster is _huge_, probably 30 meters long and 10 meters tall at _least._ He doesn’t find what he was expecting. Well, he wasn’t expecting any of this today. He was setting up for Kitty section when Ladybug landed before him, holding the snake miraculous out to him. He wasn’t expecting Ladybug to be angry at her partner. He wasn’t expecting to hear that Chat Noir hasn't shown up for an akuma attack for over half an hour. 

He was expecting for Chat Noir to still not be there or make a dramatic entrance, unapologetic and frustratingly cocky. To be weaving between the sentimonster and akuma with ease. Making even Luka jealous of his agility.

So, standing next to Ladybug and taking in the scene, Luka is shocked to the core.

Not at the akuma or sentimonster, they’re both common enough. No, what shocks him is Chat Noir. The superhero is silent, and his movements unsure, doubtful; like a first time guitarist. He isn’t using anything but evasiveness to avoid being hit, and even then, if it isn’t the transforming beam from the akuma, Chat Noir isn’t as cautious. It's like he doesn't care for himself.

Luka watches as Chat Noir freezes at the sight of a flying snake tooth flung from the Akuma’s snake tooth fan. He winces as it connects with him, embedding itself deep into the hero's bicep. 

If Luka looks hard enough, he can see that there are other snake teeth embedded all over Chat Noir’s body. 

Even from a distance, Luka can tell that the superhero’s internal song is broken, almost to the point that it is beyond repair. The Chat Noir that is fighting this akuma may look to be the same person, but internally, he is a completely different man. A broken, wrecked, terrified man, who hasn’t been able to find out how to heal. A replica song in an octave almost too high to hear. Chat Noir hasn’t been the same since Desperada, but he hasn’t been this bad... or maybe he has been this bad and is good at hiding it, but gradually getting worse at that. Maybe he couldn’t hide it anymore? 

“What’s the cat doing! Is he _trying_ to get himself killed?!” Ladybug throws her arms up, huffing. 

Luka turns a critical eye toward her. Does- she not realize that her own partner isn’t okay? Has- does she not see it? 

“Ladybug...” Luka starts, looking into her eyes, his tone strained, griping the lyre and making his gloves squeak, “he might actually be...” 

Her eyes widen precariously, the pupils growing almost as wide as her irises, eyebrows shooting up. “W-what?” 

“Look at him.” Luka points down at Chat Noir, a few more teeth in his body, dark red stains on his suit, a tooth dangerously close to his neck. “Does he look like the Chat Noir you've grown to know?” 

Ladybug follows his finger, and her eyes soften. “I-... how... how couldn’t I see this? I... I thought he was just...” 

Luka takes in her distress, and decides to help her. He makes sure to soften his tone. “Just what?” 

She looks over to him, tears in her eyes. “I thought that he was being petty again...” 

Luka pulls her into a quick hug. “Let’s go help him?” 

“Yeah.” Ladybug pulls back and determination flares in her eyes. Anger fueling that determination. Her inner song bumping up a few tens of beats and changing from a frustrated melody to a hard-rock-head-banger. He isn’t sure why, exactly, she’s angry, but at least she still cares for her partner. 

As they near the akuma, Ladybug flings her yo-yo our to wrap around Chat Noir’s waist and pulls him back. A yelp and whimper escape from the cat themed hero.

As Ladybug reels him back to her, to safety, Luka darts from behind cover and starts distracting the akuma and sentimonster. Up close, the akuma is even more freaky. The tail isn't smooth, the legs are still visible slightly; the tip of the tail spreads out in a fan like manner, fangs spread throughout it. Their scales are multicolored, and rough looking . Their arms are inhumanly skinny and long. The fingers are clawed, green liquid dripping from them. Their head is slightly elongated, no hair, and their eyes are a deep blue with vibrant pink slitted pupils. Unnaturally large jaw, and long, sharp fangs protrude from their mouth making it impossible to close their mouth. Around their neck rests a black and gold snake charm. _That’s probably the akumatized object._ He notes.

The sentimonster is a huge snake, easily 10 meters tall and 50 meters long. 

By the time Luka gets back behind cover, after spending a few minutes shaking off the akuma and sentimonster, all the snake fangs have been pulled out from Chat Noir's body and the wounds are slowly, magically being sealed, the holes in the suit already mostly closed. Chat’s head is lowered, staring at his miraculous, his ears are dropping so much they’re almost flat; his tail isn’t moving at all but wrapped tightly around his wrist. Ladybug is huddled up over him, keeping him protected, her voice soft, calm and quiet. 

“Ladybug, what’s the plan?” 

She looks up at him, then back down at her partner. She hesitates for a second, but relents. “Viperion, I need you to activate Second Chance when I say so.”

Ladybug turns back to Chat Noir. Her voice softens considerably. “Chat, can you take care of the sentimonster?” 

Chat hesitates, and it looks like he’ll say he can’t, but he nods. 

Ladybug eyes him, but does’t pry. She looks back to Luka, and the anger he saw before flares up more intensely. 

“Viperion. We’re going to go out first. Once we are a good distance from Chat, we’ll go to keep both of their attention until Chat gives me the signal. Once that’s done, you'll activate your Second Chance and I’ll summon my Lucky Charm.” 

Luka nods and looks to Chat Noir. He hasn’t moved, but his ears are less droopy, and his tail is giving the slightest of flicks, only its tapping his wrist lightly. Tapping in one second intervals.

It’s curious. 

But, he doesn’t have time to focus on it as Ladybug stands up and drags Luka away. 

They get a few exhibits away before they both emerge to fight the akuma and distract the sentimonster. 

While Luka is fighting the sentimonster, Ladybug is narrowly dodging flying snake fangs and beams. He hasn’t really appreciated how much Chat Noir does, but seeing how close Ladybug keeps getting to being hit, he can see where Chat Noir would step in. Where he would keep the akuma distracted and keep them frustrated enough to throw off their aim.

Suddenly, the sentimonster turns it's attention elsewhere and Luka lunges at the akuma to give Ladybug enough cover to get away. 

Westling with the akuma, he sees Ladybug slip away and throws off the akuma to do the same. 

Once he’s covered, he activates Second Chance and looks around for Ladybug. She didn't say to, but he has a feeling it's a good time. 

She’s hidden quite well, but, as Luka turns away, the akuma appears above Ladybug and 5 fangs embed themselves in her head, chest and neck. 

Gaging, Luka pulls back the snake head, and a hiss resounds as time is reset. 

With purpose, he turns to Ladybug and sprints toward her.

But, just as he reaches her, the akuma appears and flings its fangs. A stray one catches Ladybug’s neck, and blood starts oozing. 

He sprints away, and snaps back the snake head. 

Another hiss resounds and he turns to Ladybug, and starts sprinting. Just before he reaches her, he shouts out, and flings his lyre at the akuma.

He’s able to get her away, but when he looks back, he finds that Chat Noir has two teeth driven through his chest. 

Angrily, he snaps the snake head back, and a hiss resounds. Once he finds Ladybug, he starts sprinting. The second he’s out of cover, he flings the lyre at the akuma with a shout, and looks to Chat Noir.

This time, as Chat Noir whips around to see Luka, their eyes meet, and Luka knows that he’s caught on. He doesn’t know how, but he has; if the _snarl _and burning eyes indicate anything. 

The snarl catches the akuma further off guard, and Luka is able to drag Ladybug away far enough. By the time they’re safe, and Luka looks back, the Sentimonster is gone, a blue feather turning to dust on the breeze, and Chat Noir is _flying _at the akuma with a _furious, animalistic roar; _long, crackling, black lines trailing from his claws.

* * *

Adrien gets into position and takes the giant snakes attention, running up and down it’s massive body and pricking it with his claws. Sometimes just small pricks, other times, he shoves his claws in and drags them a meter down. All the while, fighting the urge to flee to another country. His lady needs - wants - no needs him. 

But, at some point, he feels a strong sense of Deja Vu. Then, a flash of teal and a shout catches his attention and he whips around to look at Viperion/Luka, sprinting toward Ladybug, his lyre connecting solidly with the akuma; and looking meaningfully at Chat Noir. 

_Wh- oh. Oh no. No, no, no, **nonononono**! _If his look is as meaningful as he thinks it is and if the Deja Vu isn’t a trick of the mind... 

Suddenly, a snarl rips from his throat, and his vision goes red. He will _**not **_lose her again. He will _**not fail her again**_.

His energy spikes, and he shoves his claws into the sentimonster, and the scales start to crack with black lines and rot; then Adrien drags them up to the giant snake’s head, where he rips his claws from the snake's scales, slides down to the snakes eyes, and sinks his dripping claws into them.

Then, he leaps from the decaying snake and at the akuma. His claws breaking down the molecules around them, leaving a trail of blackness in the air.

He slams into the akuma, and tears apart the Akuma’s fan, before kicking and punching the akuma, pushing it back with a fury that no one has ever seen from him. And all that he can think of is:_ I will **not **fail her. I will **not **lose her. I will **not **fail her. I will **not **lose her. _Then, his fist connects with the necklace hanging from the Akuma’s neck and a black butterfly tries to escape. 

He won't _let_ it escape. 

He grabs the corrupted butterfly from the air, and sinks his claws into the wings, a sense of enjoyment rushes through his system as the wings lose the purple. But, the akuma doesn’t die. He only incapacitates it. 

When it’s over, he looks up, and finds Ladybug and Viperion. He bounds up to them, and holds the broken akuma out to Ladybug. His tail swishing angrily. 

She opens up her yo-yo and closes it around the corrupted butterfly, a second later, the butterfly is released and Ladybug throws her yo-yo into the air, calling for the restoration. 

* * *

Gabriel is on his knees, coughing up blood, his feet throbbing. His head is _killing_ him. 

Nooroo is on the ground next to him, breathing shallowly. 

What in the Kwami’s name happened to the Cat wielder? How... 

Nathalie’s coughing and puking sends Gabriel prone, coughing up more blood. 

He... he... 

“Noo-roo...” Gabriel croaks out. 

Weakly, Nooroo groans in response.

“What... happened... to-“ Gabriel spits out blood that was starting to clog up his airway. 

“Feral.” Nooroo responds. 

He- he can’t let an akuma happen like that again. He _can’t allow _Chat Noir to go feral again. 

And, for the love of all kwami, he hopes that Chat Noir will never find him... 

He nearly killed him and Nathalie through the mental connection _alone_. Only the heavens know what will happen if they meet _face to face _again.


End file.
